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While I was perusing my bible of all things reality — People Magazine — and pondering the seemingly endless wealth of those annoying, untalented, entitled Kardashians, I sighed to my friend, Anne: “What do I have to do to be that rich?”

“You are rich” she insisted.

“Then why am I always using coupons and being forced to pray at the altar of Wal-Mart?”

“You’re rich in everything that’s important. You have a great husband, awesome kids, a nice house and me!”

Eye roll.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds all politically correct and everything, but I need cold, hard cash.”

“You can’t have it all,” she claimed.

Why. Not.

I was almost sort-of teasing. I’m lucky in many ways. I know I am. Just not in the way that I can walk into Banana Republic and buy everything I want using real money, instead of the plastic, pretend, get-me-into-trouble-every-time money.

Well, it’s Thanksgiving, so I’m going to try to be appreciative and grateful for everything in my life that’s good.

I’m setting my gratitude barometer to full.

I’m so thankful for:

-My gray hair blending with the bleached-out Barbie doll blonde I insist on sporting. I don’t know what kind of black market bleach my stylist is using, but let’s hope Trump doesn’t execute an embargo on it. (Although, he should talk). Once the gray accelerates, it can all go to hell in a hand bag by tomorrow. I will fight it until my scalp bleeds.

-My new, sweet, lovely son-in-law who makes my daughter happier than I’ve ever, truly seen her in her entire life. Plus! He comes packaged with an equally delightful family unit whom we adore. So lucky.

– My father, who is 90 years old and mouthier and spryer than most 30 year olds. At about age 85 he lost his filter forever. I’m praying Santa leaves him a new 2016 model under the tree.

– That I still kind of like my husband and I guess I’m happy I said yes when he asked me to the junior prom. However, I wish he didn’t say yes to the pea-green leisure suit and big brown bow tie he wore to that prom. My daughter should be thankful he didn’t drag it out and wear it to her wedding because I think that could’ve been a real threat. Think Lawrence Welk in head to toe polyester.

– That I still have the best friend I’ve had since fifth grade. We agreed early on that as long as we stayed away from topics of religion, politics, exercise and bacon, we would be friends forever and so far, so good. I love bacon.

– So thankful that when Thanksgiving is over, all things pumpkin-flavored will disappear! Pumpkin pies! That’s the only place I want my damned pumpkin! So take your pumpkin jelly beans, your stupid pumpkin coffee, your pumpkin Band Aids and your pumpkin ice cubes and get back to reality. If there’s pumpkin-flavored Cheez Whiz, I’m moving to Canada.

– Thankful this ludicrous election is over. I still have a stomach ache.

I’m not lucky concerning the following things: cars and the mechanics of them, traffic violations, losing jewelry, and teeth, and winning anything. But I’m lucky in love, and I realize I’ve won the family bonanza sweepstakes.

And for that, I’m forever grateful.

I’m also so very thankful for you, my trusty readers.

And for cherry vodka. My new favorite must-have for 2017.

Amen.

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Maria Jiunta Heck

Life Deconstructed

Maria Jiunta Heck of West Pittston is a mother of three and a business owner who lives to dissect the minutiae of life. Send Maria an email at [email protected].