EARTH ‚?? Hi. It‚??s me. The World. I didn‚??t end. I‚??m not going to, either, at least not in your lifetime. Trust me. I know. I‚??m as old as dirt ‚?Ľ literally.
Frankly, it would have been nice in all this talk about my demise if somebody would have consulted me. But then, let‚??s not pretend. Every time you people talk about ‚??the end of the world,‚?Ě all you‚??re really talking about is the end of humanity.
After all, most of your theories of how the world might end leave me intact. Take the ‚??gamma rays from a supernova‚?Ě idea: A star explodes, gamma rays strip away the ozone layer and other chunks of the atmosphere, and people die slow deaths from too much sun ‚?Ľ or you all turn into Incredible Hulks. Either way, I‚??m good.
Then there‚??s the ‚??giant solar flare‚?Ě theory. Believe me when I say I‚??ve seen solar flares you can‚??t imagine. I survived. You people have, too, for the last few hundred thousand years.
The ‚??super volcano eruption‚?Ě theory? I won‚??t lie; it‚??ll happen eventually. Can‚??t help myself, it comes with being all molten inside. But it probably wouldn‚??t kill you all, just give you a lot of dark, dusty days. And even if it did eradicate you, I‚??d keep spinning ‚?Ľ and erupting.
As far as the ‚??magnetic poles reverse‚?Ě theory, been there, done that, and I‚??ll do it again. In fact, I‚??ll do it right now ‚?Ľ Didn‚??t even notice, did you?
I‚??m kidding, I didn‚??t really do it. But most of you really probably wouldn‚??t notice.
Even the giant asteroid collision is unlikely to finish me off. According to your own theory, I survived the last time it happened, when the dinosaurs were wiped out. And I‚??m pretty sure you‚??re smart enough to see when something that big is coming. Dinosaurs didn‚??t have telescopes ‚?Ľ or satellites ‚?Ľ or self-awareness.
And which one of you came up with the idea of a collision with another planet that just magically appears today? How would that happen? Do you think we have ‚??cloaking devices?‚?Ě If a planet big enough to destroy me were coming, you‚??d know it ‚?Ľ for about a decade, already.
Why do you people keep doing this, anyway? You‚??ve been doing it as long as I can remember, and I have a really, really long memory. Your own Wikipedia lists about 200 times someone predicted the end of me ‚?? it was supposed to happen twice already this year, four times last year and at least 17 times in 2000.
If I had a nickel for every time one of you predicted my end, I bet I could line them up edge to edge and reach your Voyager 1 spacecraft ‚?Ľ and that‚??s 11 billion miles away.
Yet, no matter how many times the predictions don‚??t pan out, you just go right on doing it. That Wikipedia entry has five more doomsday predictions by 2280.
What is this, an office betting pool? Even if there were an ‚??end of the world‚?Ě lottery ‚?? you know, pick the right number and you win ‚?? what would you win? More important, why would you play?
I know I can‚??t stop you. You‚??re only human. But if I were you ‚?? and, scientifically speaking, I am ‚?? when you wake up tomorrow and I didn‚??t end again, I‚??d probably stop with the Armageddon infatuation.
There really are a lot more fun things to do with your life than trying to predict when it‚??s over.